Barb's Evolving Project

Boost Versus College

2012-01-27T09:38:00.002-06:00

Mommy, Can I play Nick Jr. Boost?

No.

But I waaaaaaaant to! Pleeeeeeeease!

No. I told you it costs money. I just spent a bunch of money on LEGO and Bakugan. You can play the free games on Nick Jr. but I'm not paying for Boost.

But I have money. I have the money that TT gave me for college.

No.

Pleeeeeeease. I neeeeed to play Boost.

No you don't.

But I'm not going to college.

[sigh]

(Stay tuned. We are currently in negotiations that if he does chores every day he can get $1 a day. Boost costs $7.)

A Curve in The Road

2012-01-26T14:49:00.000-06:00

Packing up the night before it hadn’t occurred to me that wecould go in a ditch, that my Subaru could keep sliding as the road curved. And to be honest, even after we saw the firstpile-up of cars where I-90 turns and crosses the Mississippi River in LaCrosse, I wasn’t concerned about the roads. I had called my mother and told her I was watching the weather, and Ihad checked the forecast at least thirty times that morning. The Weather Channel and all the local TVstations had said the worst of the snow would move in between 11am and 5pm, andup until the moment we got on the road just after noon, I wasn’t sure if we shouldgo early and try to get ahead of it or wait and go in the morning.

Read the rest here

Read the rest of my TNF installments here.

Present in PJ's and Swimsuits

2012-01-25T09:04:00.000-06:00

This morning a friend's facebook status was about the masseuse who wore earphones and an ipod while giving her a massage in Luang Prabang. I've been watching this woman travel around the world for months. She's been to South America and Thailand and India and Laos. She's bathed in outdoor jungle pools, done yoga on beaches in both hemispheres, swum with elephants in Asian rivers and watched the sunrise over the Ganges. Every day is a new adventure, and when she mentioned the masseuse with the earphones it reminded me of how important it is to be mindful and present, to be engaged with your life, this moment... wherever you are and whatever you're doing.

It's harder to do now that we're back into our daily routine, but this past weekend at The Great Wolf Lodge we all had all our gears turning. TT came and spent the weekend with us, and we ventured forth during a blizzard to get there Friday afternoon. From the bright pink fluorescents and blinking lights of the arcade to the heat and steam surrounding the waterslides for children under 48" to the quiet story-hour in the great atrium and the owl and squirrel and beaver who sang about the rhythym of nature to the 4-story netting we climbed and the magic wands we waved at Magiquest to the way my son splashed himself face first over and over again into the rogue waves of the wave pool, I was fully present and engaged nearly every moment. It's not the Great Wall of China or Chichen Itza, and there weren't breathtaking views of the Canadian Rockies or the surf on the Pacific, but I got to watch my son run and run and run and run, laughing and smiling through each new adventure, dressed either in his pajamas or a swimsuit. And Sunday I got to watch him sleep until 9:30am.

Thanks TT for making it all possible... and for spending so much time with the little girl that adores you so Sam and I could go on all these adventures!

Surviving January

2012-01-21T09:17:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm torturing my son by putting him in swimming lessons at the Y. He asked to take them but now he hates that the water is over his head and he doesn't get to wear "a floating thing." Every Monday morning on the way in to town when I tell him that he has swimming lessons tonight he whines that he doesn't want to go, that he's afraid, that he knows how to swim and doesn't need lessons. Anyone who has any suggestions of how to help with this, I'd love to hear them. And if anyone has ideas about how to manage a precocious 15-month-old toddler and keep her from drowning herself while you try to coax a reluctant 4-year-old into the water, I'd love to hear those ideas too.

Here are some more photos from other random things we're doing to survive January.

What Color Straw

2012-01-18T14:10:00.002-06:00

It is a cold Saturday in January, and Sam sits on a stool at the kitchen counter. A lukewarm cup of hot cocoa "in the tree cup, in the tree cup" sits on the counter in front of him. I dare not just hand him a straw without asking first.

What color straw do you want, Sammy?

Is there football on today?

Yes. What color straw?

What teams are playing?

The Atlanta Falcons and The New Orleans Saints. What color straw do you want?!

Who do you want to win?

I guess the Falcons. What color straw?!

What color are the Falcons?

Red and black. What color straw?

Red.

[sigh]

The Last Hurrah

2012-01-17T08:52:00.000-06:00

Eva on game day.

(She no longer has Packer gear that fits.)

After TT's challenging 8 hours during the last game of the season, I decided to leave Sam behind at Jamie's house, and Eva and I traveled to Green Bay for the first round playoff game. Unfortunately the first round ended up being the last one for our team, but I had a blast getting a break from kids and spending time with old friends. Thanks, Kelly, for inviting me to come along!

Eva loves the potty seat at TT's house.

TT distracts Eva with mashed potatos as Mommy heads out to tailgate.

Stadiumview before the game

Missy, Barb and Kelly

Anticipating a win as we head to Lambeau

Still hopeful

Reconnecting with old friends Garet and Michelle

Hamilton and Stella

2012-01-15T08:38:00.000-06:00

The long-awaited playdate. It had been way too long since we last saw these friends, and we were all so happy to see them.

Gamefly

2012-01-09T15:20:00.008-06:00

I present evidence that perhaps Sam has spent too much time with his Leapster Explorer and ESPN and Fox Sports during the last few weeks. Keep in mind that the NFL playoffs are in full gear... as well as the Rose Bowl and the Outback Bowl and various other football games that I should probably care less about but they somehow provide relief to an exhausted single parent of a boy who NEVER sits still (except when he's doing LEGO or Leapster Explorer or watching football). I used to pay a lot more attention to what the commercials were during football games, concerned that Sam was being exposed to violence or near-naked women trying to sell him beer. But when the baby needs changing or nursing RIGHT NOW I just leave the room to take care of her. Sam says "I want that" during every single commercial during Saturday cartoons, making sure that I understand how important the newest matchbox racing toy is or how every boy needs a pillow that folds into a pet. But he doesn't pay much attention to the commercials during football. Or so I thought.

Last night after Eva was in bed, I went to check my email once really quickly before heading to the bedroom for Sam's 3 books and a talk-about-our-day routine that we've been doing since Sam could talk. In the lowlight of the kitchen Sam sat on the wooden stool next to mine and said, "Mommy, can we go to gamefly.com and download a new game to my Leapster?"

Oh my.

Packers Vs Lions

2012-01-05T18:57:00.009-06:00

In the car on the way across Wisconsin Sam is still conflicted.

“I love Green Bay and I love Aaron Rodgers, but I also like the Lions,” he tells me. He wonders if Jack’s daddy would be sad if the Packers won. “What if the Packers won by just a little?”

Jack’s Daddy is my cousin John and he’s joining me at Lambeau Field for the final game of the season. Sam has been speculating on the outcome all morning. What if the Lions had forty-eighty and the Packers had twenty-seven? What if the Lions had one hundred and the Packers had zero? What if the Lions had eleventy-seven?

A few weeks ago, the weekend of Sam’s 4th birthday, the Packers were still undefeated and Sam wanted to know what color the Kansas City Chiefs wore. When I told him red, Sam insisted on wearing a red t-shirt despite the pile of Green Bay Packer clothing that he’s accumulated over the last few years.

Read the rest here.

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Here are some photos from our weekend at Grandma's. We won't talk about how Grandma barely survived her 8 hours alone with the kids and her story of Sammy swearing (I didn't teach him that), and we won't talk about how TT's phone called Auntie Annie and left a voicemail of the kids screaming. Thanks TT for making it all possible!

Packers versus Lions, Round One

Funny Face Contest

Sammy's entry in the face making contest

What's a Lambeau tailgate without a Bloody Mary?

Eva on Game Day

Cousins at Lambeau

John and Micah at Lambeau

Kelly is the best fan to sit next to
(binoculars, bench-warming blanket, endless knowledge about the game)

Magic

2011-12-27T14:38:00.016-06:00

As I pulled Sammy’s red sweater down over his head, my lecture began. If Grandma told me that he was good during mass he could open one present from under the tree when he got home. “If you’re good,” I repeated. “Grandma will be the judge.” And after I strapped him in to the car seat, my mind flashed to how much work it had been to keep him still and entertained during our flight to Florida, so I ran back in the house to get a small Toy Story coloring book and a packet of fruit gummy snacks for Grandma’s purse.

I was not at all prepared for the report when they returned. “He was absolutely perfect,” Grandma said. “I kid you not.” She said he sat quietly in the pew next to her during the entire Christmas Eve mass. “I’m not lying,” TT repeated. “He was absolutely perfect.”

Sam came and stood by me and leaned against the couch. He beamed with pride and I held up my hand for a high five.

“That is awesome!” I said and I pulled him in to a big hug. So proud.

And so he was allowed to open his second gift. The first had been the night before when TT and I had allowed him to open his Razor and Eva to open her shopping cart full of play food.

The Christmas Eve gift he chose was the small box from Zack and Sarah. It turned out to be a compact travel version of Candyland, and Sam was so excited that we had to play it right then… even though it was past his usual dinner time and we were all ready to start digging in to eat. So Eva went in the high chair, and Sam and I played Candyland while Grandma cooked porkchops. As we ate Sam and Grandma told Eva and me the story of Baby Jesus, the way his mommy had to carry him very far, the way three kings traveled to see him, the way he had been born in a barn full of hay.

“Did the cows and sheep eat his hay?” Sam asked.

Grandma explained how the sheep didn’t eat the hay he was laying on, just the other hay in the barn. I asked TT if she still had the ceramic Nativity set that Aunt Nancy had made her years ago, the handmade pieces chipped and showing wear from years of Ann and I re-enacting the story of Christmas. Sam would love it.

The weekend was action-packed from sunrise to well after sunset each night. Running and racing and jumping and dancing and LEGOing. We colored all over the cardboard rocketship that had been moved to the basement to make room for Santa, and we began coloring the new cardboard house that had been placed under the tree with TT's arrival. Eva walked and walked and walked… first with her little shopping cart and then with the stroller and baby doll that TT brought. Both kids loved the new Melissa & Doug wooden food, and Sammy had to get out his new REAL tool box to fix the deck while he and I were getting some alone time during Baby’s nap. We ate candy canes and Starburst and Skittles and Gobstoppers. We made cookies and pies and bacon and sausage and roast beef with yummy potatoes. We raced the Razor inside and out. We climbed up and down the slides and rode bikes and raced cars in the basement. We watched Toy Story and Polar Express and Home Alone. We read books about frogs and sea turtles and artic hares. Eva learned to make funny crab faces and to feed herself with a spoon and to sing A-B-C-D-E-F-J. And we all collapsed into bed every night exhausted.

A magical Christmas with MORE pictures here.

Who is Richard Patience?

2011-12-22T14:48:00.002-06:00

Eva is babbling in her car seat behind me and Sam in gnawing on fruity gummy chews that I got from the co-op last week, so I dare to turn up the radio. On NPR Paul Brown (or maybe it’s Craig Windham) tells us about the compromise reached at the United Nations climate talks in South Africa. He explains that “richer nations will funnel money” to poorer nations through a fund.

“Who is Richard Patience?” Sam asks.

“Richer Nations,” I say. “He’s talking about countries that have money.”

“Where do they get their money? Where is it?”

“I don’t know but they’re going to share it.”

“Oh,” he pauses for just a moment before screaming at me that he is done with his gummies and I need to take his empty bag. “NOW Mommy. HERE!” I reach in to the back seat and exhale.

I start humming You’d Better Watch Out, you better not cry, you better not pout I’m telling you why, something I’ve been singing since Sam insisted he dress himself this morning and then nearly melted into a puddle when he couldn’t get his arm through his inside-out sweater sleeve.

Mornings are not always fun in our house. The LEGO advent calendar has helped. It gets him out of bed. He lifts his sleepy head and runs to the kitchen counter and looks for the next number. Sometimes he’s punched through the cardboard and pulled out the little creation before I even catch up with him. But some days his frustration at not being able to do the build by himself and my frustration with the incredibly long amount of time it takes for a 4-year-old to dress himself collide in a frenzy of “COME ON we need to go RIGHT NOW or we’re going to be late!”

Read the rest here.

She Walks

2011-12-21T13:58:00.010-06:00

With all the craziness of Sam's birthday and the sudden realization that 4 years have passed since I brought home our little family's first bundle of joy, the second bundle of joy has been flying under the radar for a few days. But not to be outdone, Eva decided to grab our attention Sunday night. Sam and I were sitting on the floor playing with the new Trio blocks he got for his birthday, trying not to get too depressed about the Packer game when out of the corner of my eye I saw Eva push herself in to a stand and walk 7 steps across the living room floor unassisted. She's been standing without holding on and walking while pushing a stroller for weeks, but this was the first big steps alone. Sammy was so excited that his reaction was almost as delightful as her steps. Here are a few pictures and a video of her from the last week. My big girl.

Second Best

2011-12-19T18:55:00.015-06:00

As Kelly and I sat on the couch at the end of the day after finishing the last of the champagne and finally getting Sammy to sleep, she told me she didn't know how I did it. She said that she had been exhausted at 3pm and was thinking she wasn't going to make it through the day. How do I do this every weekend? It was now almost midnight and we were talking about men and relationships and the ups and downs our lives have been through during three decades of friendship. And I had to remind her that TODAY I didn't do it all alone. Today I had her. And Jamie. And other wonderful friends who step up and support me when I need it most.

Our day started with the LEGO advent calendar and glazed vanilla doughnuts and a 4-year-old who could barely contain his excitement about having a birthday party. And over and over again throughout the day I felt the quiet presence of this good friend of mine who came to help and who definitely made my boy feel special during his 4th birthday. She patiently babysat Eva while I tended to party business and greeted pre-schoolers and took photos of the blurry mass of them as they tumbled and raced and jumped and climbed at Kidsport. She helped with loading and unloading the car. She played with the sugared-up, hyper-stimulated children while I cooked lunch when we returned home. And she absolutely made everyone's day with the cardboard rocketship that our entire family enjoyed. So while this post should be about Sammy and how incredibly fast the past four years have gone, it's about this wonderful friend of mine and the way she made it all possible. When Kelly's boys were little I used to train them to say "You're the best mommy in the whole wide world," and when she started trying to teach Sammy to say this about me on Saturday, I had a hard time not saying "Second best."

A few birthday party pics:

The Workshop

2011-12-14T11:42:00.013-06:00

Santa's Workshop at Sam's Pre-school

First we sing

And then we frost our shirts... ahhh ...cookies.

Then we make reindeer food.

Sam's first ever close-up view of Santa.

"Marbles," he whispered.

Digging for candy canes with his best bud Gedion

Worth the Investment

2011-12-11T16:46:00.010-06:00

A Baby Sled. What a great invention!

What We Do When Eva Naps

2011-12-10T22:05:00.011-06:00

Wonder Woman

2011-12-08T18:30:00.002-06:00

When Jamie’s name appears on the caller ID, I know it can’t be good. I always hold my breath when she calls because I imagine she might be calling to tell me they used the epi-pen and Sam is now on his way to the hospital. I am laying sideways in my Lazy-boy, trying to find a way to feel comfortable when I see her number on my cell. Every muscle and joint in my body aches and I feel much older than my forty-four years. I just brought a pyrex bowl of plain white rice back to the kitchen after sampling a few bites and deciding I wasn’t ready to eat when the phone rang.

Sometimes I call Jamie our “daycare provider” but over the years she has become so much more than that. She is a friend, an advice giver, a consultant, a teacher, a partner in crime, and very frequently a therapist and rescuer. Sam calls her family. I call her Wonder Woman. When she closed the daycare earlier in the week because she was “in no shape to watch kids” we all knew it had to be something nasty. Jamie never gets sick. Jamie is the one that takes care of all of us -- children and parents. After a day of rest she was back on her feet and the daycare was open and all of the parents breathed a sigh of relief. Whew.

Read the rest here.

Safety Glasses and Red Snow

2011-12-05T09:16:00.010-06:00

Sam insisted he needed "safety glasses" during our third trip outside on Sunday. These are the glasses that came with the 3D sidewalk chalk Grandma bought Sam this summer. Note to my neighbors: Do not be alarmed by the red snow.

Anyone who doesn't like winter should spend an afternoon with a 4-year-old boy... building forts to defend and mountains to climb, throwing snow balls at the garage and burying toys in the piles, experimenting with all the summer sidewalk stuff, and generally throwing your body anywhere and everywhere without getting hurt. If it's the first big snow of the season, as long as you have warm clothes and lots of Kleenex, fun is guaranteed.

Kinda Messy

2011-11-28T15:11:00.022-06:00

Things occasionally got kind of messy, and it wasn't always pretty, but it sure was a lot of fun!

Morning Chat

2011-11-18T08:33:00.002-06:00

In the car on the way to Jamie's. The fall air is crisp, and the sun is a big orange globe over the backwaters of the Mississippi River. Sam is telling me that he is excited about our upcoming trip to Milwaukee and then Florida. He is excited to see TT and Kelly tonight. He says he wants to sleep with Grandma and Auntie Ann and Zachary and Sarah when we get to Florida.

"Can we bring the pink bed?" he asks. This is the twin bed on the floor of my bedroom, the mattress fitted with a pink sheet from when it used to be in the baby's room.

"We don't need to," I tell him. "They have lots of beds there."

"I'm so excited."

"Me too," I say. "We're going to get to see all the people we love."

"But not Uncle Ron," he says. "He won't be there. I miss him. I wish we were going to see him at Thanksgiving."

And then we talk about Thanksgiving, how the Packers will play the Lions.

"Mommy, I wish we could be with Jack's daddy at Thanksgiving because then the Lions would win," he says. He is remembering my cousin John who is at Uncle Ron's every year. "I want the Lions to kick butt."

"No!!!!!" I tease and he laughs.

"Yah. The Lions are going to have 49 and the Packers are going to have zero! Would you like that, Mommy, if your team had zero and the lions had 49?"

He teases me with different combinations of teams, tells me the Cowboys are going to play the Scratchers, and he hopes the Cowboys beat the Scratchers. I tell him I don't want the Cowboys to win ever... unless they're playing the Vikings.

In the rear view mirror his bright eyes light up as he laughs. He is not wearing a coat, but his ski cap comes down over his forehead and he has a Toy Story bandaid on his cheek where he bumped it yesterday at school. He had placed it there last night when he got home, adamant he needed one and insistent that he could unwrap it and put in on himself.

"Sammy, you are so dang cute I could eat you up," I say.

"Don't eat me up!" he laughs.

"You would be yummy. You would taste like yogurt and applesauce and skittles."

"No I wouldn't. I would taste like blood."

The Slaughter

2011-11-14T08:14:00.015-06:00

When Sarah texted me Saturday afternoon, Sammy and I were in the middle of slaughtering a pumpkin, gutting the cute little squash he’d brought home from pre-school. We had carried an old table from the garage into the kitchen and scrubbed it clean in anticipation of our ravioli-making playdate. Sam sat at the kitchen counter using knives and vegetable peelers and whatever tools he deemed necessary to extricate the meat from the inside of our little pumpkin. I stood near the stove chopping the pieces into a saucepan filled with melted butter and fresh garden sage and thyme. I had sent Sarah a text that we were making the pumpkin filling and she and the boys could come over any time. They didn’t need to wait.

I half expected her to call and tell me they weren’t coming, that they were too tired from their overbooked Saturday and they wouldn’t be coming after all. HALF expected. It seems everyone I know is overwhelmed and overscheduled and feeling the stress of the lack of sunlight and it is not an easy time of year to parent.

Last week on the way home from gymnastics on Tuesday, Sammy asked me what that triangle thing on the dash was. I glanced down at the emergency button just long enough for the car to go up and over something with a thud as we crossed one of the two bridges near the Hillside Fish House. We were going at least 60, and the car thudded and I just focused on keeping the car moving rather than trying to figure out what the tan shape that I saw for a split second out of the corner of my eye was. 7pm on the country roads away from town, the world outside our headlights was pitch black. For a moment my heart raced and I felt tears starting to build in my eyes. I tried to accelarate, imagining us stranded at the side of the road, me alone with an already whiny teething baby and a 3-and-½-year-old who hadn’t stopped reminding me that he’s thirsty for more than 30 seconds since we’d left Kidsport. Once I figured out that the car wasn’t accelerating because it had thrown itself into neutral, I moved the gear shift back to D and focused on just getting home. One mile at a time. Just get it home, I thought.

When I first graduated from college and went to work, I remember a guy I worked with telling me he hated November, he always got sick in November. And I’ve never really been a fan of it either… that cold gray month where nothing really happens except that the days get shorter and the temperatures get colder and everything turns gray. The best of fall is behind us and the beauty of winter hasn’t yet arrived. November is what I envision when I read about Dr. Seuss’s The Waiting Place. Nothing happening but a bunch of waiting.

And so when I read Sarah’s text, I was kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, the apology and request to reschedule, something I had experienced twice in the 24 hours before that. Twice that I’d had to explain to Sammy that something he had been excited about was not going to happen. Dear God, let Sarah and her boys come to make pasta. Please, Dear God.

It turned out Sarah’s text was just a note to tell us what time they’d arrive and that she was leaving her oldest at home. It would be just the mommies and the 4-year-olds. Well, and one very well-behaved one-year-old.

Many of the mommy blogs I read and a lot of friends on facebook seem to be doing gratitude journals these days… perhaps as a way of surviving The Waiting Place, a way of looking at what’s right in front of you and appreciating it rather than anticipating the end of the great wait. If I were keeping a gratitude journal for this past weekend, it would include a friend who comes through when you really need her, a baby that sits contentedly in her high chair while larger children smear the kitchen with egg and flour, homemade pumpkin ravioli with garlic cream sauce, a car that runs like a tank (knock on wood) and children who are still able to hug you and laugh after you have a mommy tantrum.

The 80's band that lives at our house

Sam's favorite red frisbee game

Drawing things that start with T

Dad Calling

2011-11-03T08:27:00.018-05:00

Thanksgiving, early 70's

I owe a lot of the inspiration for my new post at The Next Family to my friend Kate whose own brave and honest and thought-provoking blog post (that asks questions like "What would happen to these dears if something were to happen to us? Would they remember how loved they were just from pictures?") inspired me to wake up in the middle of the night and write this:

Is He Calling?
By Barbara Matousek

Maybe it’s because the Packers are 7-0 for the first time since 1962, or maybe it’s because my sister and I will be together for Thanksgiving for the first time since a few years after Dad died, or maybe it’s because my son is attending a Catholic preschool and brings home things like “A Christian pumpkin,” or maybe it’s because I recently re-read my friend Katherine’s book about her battle with cancer, or maybe it’s because I watch my mother aging and realize how really tiny our family is, or maybe it’s because I’m developing a friendship with a woman who has complete faith in God the way my father did, or maybe it’s because I’m raising my children surrounded by families with good fathers. Maybe it’s all of these things, but I find myself missing my dad a lot lately.

Last night I had a dream. Dad and I were in a hotel room casually packing up the last of our things after having spent a few days traveling together. We were getting ready to re-enter our normal lives. The time and place of our adventure weren’t clear, but it was clear we were accustomed to traveling together and had been traveling for several days. We had our routine. I was going through the drawers, finding little things we’d left behind and shoving them into one of my smaller carry bags. Dad said he was going to make a trip down to the car with the big bags.

“Take your time,” he said. “I’ll meet you down there,” and he left. Just like that. Casual.

Read the rest here.

Kalamazoo, circa 1972

Snowshoeing during the winter I lived in Creede, Colorado (2004)

Hiking in Kauai

Watching the sunset from the south shore of Lake Superior

Swinging in November

2011-11-02T13:04:00.007-05:00

This is what November looks like around here. And if there were sound attached to these pictures you would hear baby giggling, big boy story-telling, and the crunch of leaves under very fast moving feet. November... not bad so far.

A Power Ranger and a Duck

2011-11-01T08:10:00.008-05:00

The sun hung just above the bluffs when we headed out from our driveway, and none of us really needed gloves or hats. With temps hovering above 50 it was a beautiful night for trick-or-treating, and both kids were content in the wagon as we headed up the hill to the part of the neighborhood we don't usually walk. We tackled a few driveways together before Sam started running up by himself... especially on the steep ones. At Mr. Jeff's we left the wagon at the bottom and climbed the steep drive together and before we got up and then back down, the neighborhood started filling with SUVs shuffling kids from door to door. We kept up with them for a while, everyone loading in and driving the 30 yards in between driveways while Sam ran and I pulled Eva in the wagon. But when we stopped to look at the scary spooky decorations at the back corner of the neighborhood while everyone raced to the next lighted driveway, we had the streets to ourselves as the sun finally set and darkness settled. A beautiful peaceful night.

Sam and I practiced making ghost sounds until Sam told me to shhhh, he heard something through the trees. We stopped and watched a lighted harvester clearing old corn from the farm beyond the development. Sam made up a story about a scary tractor and the guy who drives it, and it wasn't long before we caught up to the crowds again. A family with several princesses and a couple of scary monsters piled out of a minivan and collected their candy, and as they climbed back in a girl asked if she was cute. "Do I look cute, Mommy?" she asked three times before her mother heard her. By this time Sammy had slowed significantly, and I had to drag him up the driveway to meet our new neighbor Kate and her adorable 4-year-old witch daughter Claire. And then we got candy from another neighbor while a tiny dog named Sophie raced out the door behind us, and we climbed one last steep driveway up to "the motorcyle guy's house" before walking the closing stretch in complete darkness. It was almost 7 o'clock when we got home, and we had smashed up avocado with chips and some sliced turkey and grape tomatoes for dinner before Baby Eva went to bed without complaint and Sam laid in his bed for an hour twirling the glow sticks he'd gotten earlier in the day from Jamie. An almost perfect Halloween. I can't believe that it could ever be more fun. We are so blessed.

Stick-Swords and Creation

2011-10-31T08:14:00.019-05:00

A visit from TT means that Sam and Mommy get some time alone together. This weekend Red Power Ranger got to go to a Halloween party, swing stick-swords at the park, and build every Lego creation in the house. There is still some disagreement about what to do with the complex creations after they're finished, so Mommy keeps buying more. And now that we've discovered the Lego minifig surprise packages for $2.99 at Target, we may need to build new shelving to contain it all.

Eva's Birthday Surprise from Auntie Annie

Nuggets

2011-10-24T09:41:00.006-05:00

Mommy, why is there a chicken on the side of the box?

Because they are chicken nuggets.

Are they made out of chicken?

Yes.

[pause]

That's not nice. They shouldn't do that.

------------------------------------------

Mommy would you like to be an alien?

I don't know. Probably not.

I would. Then I could ride on a shooting star. I'd have to wear my sunglasses though so I don't burn my eyes.

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Mommy, I'm excited to see Grandma. Are you excited to see Grandma?

Yes I am. I love TT. I love her very much.

I love her too. She's my favorite. You need to be nice to her, Mommy. You need to not be mad at her because she's my grandma and I love her. Don't be mean at her.

The Ravioli Experiment

2011-10-22T12:17:00.007-05:00

We're planning to attempt this with friends soon, possibly experimenting with the ingredients (maybe a gorgonzola pear mushroom rosemary?), so we tried it ourselves this weekend to work out the bugs. Who knew homemade ravioli could be so simple and fun? And delicious!

Worms on the Kitchen Counter

2011-10-20T15:23:00.005-05:00

Yes, he was wearing short pajamas and winter boots. He's 3.

On my kitchen counter is a small, clear Rubbermaid container filled with black dirt, six earthworms, and a tiny yellow inch worm. Sam collected them this weekend as he “helped” me dig up the gravel that lined our driveway. I started this project in April. I anticipated replacing the gravel with fresh grass, planned to relocate the rocks overgrown with sandburs that stuck to our clothes and caused endless tantrums when they found Sam’s bare feet. But with a baby and a three-year-old, the opportunities to complete even a simple landscaping project are few and far between, and it got to be September before I finally said out loud to my neighbor, “The goal is to get this done before the snow falls.” When I said it out loud I suddenly became focused on getting it done, and despite a late bedtime the night before and being up twice to feed the baby and once to change Sam’s sheets, when the baby went down for her morning nap, Sam and I headed out to the driveway.

Read the rest here.

Pink Cupcakes

2011-10-18T08:11:00.005-05:00

I can hardly believe it's been a year already. Happy Birthday, sweet baby girl.

Eva Therese

Born 10/18/10 at 12:12PM
9 lbs 10 ounces
21 1/2 inches

Here's a flashback.

What He Hears

2011-10-16T20:51:00.011-05:00

From the Sometimes-He-Hears-What-I-Say Department:

#1

"Look, Mommy. Look what I did!"

Sam is at the dining room table building with Tinker Toys. He has built a locomotive that looks almost exactly like the one in the picture on the instruction booklet.

"That's cool. Where'd you learn to do that?" I say.

"It's because I ate that avocado and my brain got bigger and now I'm smart," he says.

#2

Sam is sitting at the kitchen counter drawing and paying no attention to me. After discovering that we're out of coffee, I am desperate for caffeine. In the back of the cupboard I find a few packets of chai black tea that are at least ten years old. I say to myself that I should look up on the internet how much caffeine is in black tea and I sit down to the computer next to Sam. Yahoo is telling me that there is a must see video of Lady Gaga having her Marilyn Monroe moment with Bill Clinton, so I start the video and Sam actually looks up from his drawing.

"I like that music, Mommy. Is it about tea?"

#3

Sam has been in bed for ten minutes when I sink myself into a hot bubble bath. Just as the bubbles reach my collarbone he opens the door and tells me he has to poop. I tell him to get his potty seat from his bathroom and bring it into Mommy's bathroom so I won't have to get up to clean his butt when he's done. After he is settled on the potty seat he tells me he needs something to read so I hand him the Scholastic Parent & Child magazine that came home from pre-school last week. He thumbs through it looking at pictures of Halloween costumes and toys he wants for his birthday while I read the Time magazine about the new silent majority.

"This is awesome. I love this magazine!" he says. "This magazine is awesome! I need to make more time to read it."

River Walk

2011-10-11T22:02:00.010-05:00

The beginning of our afternoon walk in the woods was not my shining moment as a parent. We had arrived early and when I didn't see the other moms and kids, I drove up and over the bridge and parked near the park sign. And after ten minutes passed without anyone else arriving, we started our walk back over the bridge.

"Maybe everyone is meeting somewhere else," I said. "Maybe they are by the beach. Maybe Mommy has it wrong."

The bridge was just too exciting and new for Sam to cross it quickly, even with the promise of Hamilton on the other side. And Mommy was focused on finding Hamilton, and more importantly Hamilton's mommy. Any mother of a 3-going-on-4-year-old might understand how desperately I needed to find another Mommy to talk to, how tired I was of negotiating every, single, little, thing. And I'm not proud of the way I rushed Sammy across the bridge. But in the end we found Ham and Ham's little sister, and my savior, Ham's mommy. We enjoyed some brief adult conversation in between races along the bridge despite my insane fear of the bouncy balls going down the bridge drains and in to the river to be lost forever. And when Sam went in the water shoes-and-socks-and-pants-up-to-his-knees, I just sat in the sand and exhaled. A beautiful afternoon for a hike along the river that left me wanting more time with these friends.

Our NEW Pizza Farm

2011-10-09T22:30:00.014-05:00

October is our favorite time of year for trips to the Pizza Farm, but this year Suncrest Gardens had their final Friday night of wood-fired pizza and local music in September. When our two families (meaning the two moms) decided not to push our exhausted children (and mommies) into a late Friday night venture to make the final pizza night last week, we instead started planning to create our own pizza farm experience complete with horses in the pasture and feral kitties circling the pole shed. The boys flew kites in the wind across the prairie and raced machines with wheels around the yard. Everyone enjoyed the bonfire and the eight different grilled pizzas. The hits of the evening were the battery powered kids' ATV, bottle rockets and s'mores, and the rosemary pear mushroom gorgonzola pizza. And two bottles of Los Dos made the mommies very happy to have a new local pizza farm that has indoor plumbing

Thanks Holthaus's for a fabulous evening at our new favorite pizza farm!

Eva scoots on the deck

Zachary stops running for a few minutes to help Eva with the phone

Sam loves the toys at the Holthaus "farm"

Rosemary-pear-mushroom-gorgonzola
Grilled-chicken-sundried-tomato-zucchini-feta

Sam loves the bonfire

Sam and Nathaniel

Zachary and Eva

Star gazing

Joy at 11 Months

2011-10-07T15:27:00.004-05:00

I don't think I need to say anything more about this one... except that perhaps you might be wondering why I would be taking a picture of her rather than getting ready to catch her. But don't all parents do these insane things? :) And she had already landed with a thump on her butt on the grass several times and immediately screamed and reached up to do it again, so I figured it was okay to catch the pure joy on film rather than catching her.

A Survivor's Heart

2011-10-06T13:10:00.009-05:00

The group that helped me have the courage to create our family

This story isn't about the kids or even really about me, but in significant ways it is related to our family. This is a story about a beautiful, talented friend of mine and the incredible group that brought us together and the way she inspires me to have courage and take risks and live life to its fullest. I wish everyone I know could read her book.

A Survivor's Heart (published on TheNextFamily):

When I pulled into the driveway and saw the package sitting by the garage door, I starting unhooking my seatbelt before I’d even stopped the car. I had been waiting for this package all week, since the day I got the email from Amazon telling me it had shipped. And as I stand now at my kitchen counter flipping through pages like some sort of restless child, I want to go door to door and start passing out books. I turn to the first page and read a blurb from Pam Houston about Katherine’s humor and her survivor’s heart, and I smile. On the back cover is a picture of Katherine with her daughter, Katherine’s pale nose and chin resting on Josies’s dimpled brown cheek. Josie’s hair is up in braids, and Katherine’s long straight hair hangs below her shoulders.

The first time I met Katherine her hair was just a few inches long. It was a curly mop that accentuated her big green eyes. We stood on a gravel parking area near the compound of cottages our writing group had rented for the week in Pt. Reyes, California. Our writing community had been around for nearly five years, but Katherine had joined us online the year before and she was joining us for an in-person workshop for the first time. A few months earlier she had emailed us all about her clean scan and the anniversary of her mastectomy. She told us all to have a drink for her on that day. “One might wonder if that's a day to celebrate?,” she said and then answered herself. “Hmmm. Sure!”

Read the rest of this essay here.

Katherine Malmo’s book, Who in This Room: The Realities of Cancer, Fish, and Demolition, is now available anywhere books are sold. In 2005 Katherine was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer and spent a year in treatment. These days she is cancer-free and blogs about her family, adoption, race, health and living a low-toxin life at HystericalMommyNetwork.

Different is Good

2011-09-27T08:20:00.003-05:00

“Just a minute,” she tells her husband as she hands him their 1-year-old daughter. “I want to take Sam to the park. I told him I would and I want to make sure I do that.”

We are at a toddler birthday party, and after our boys finished eating bratwurst and pasta salad and finger jello but before we sang Happy Birthday to a proud two-year-old, my friend Kay volunteered to bring our kids over to the playground. But then the cake rolled out and the noisemakers appeared, and the boys forgot all about the park. But Kay didn’t. As people begin packing up their things and heading to their cars, Kay wants to follow through on her earlier commitment.

“Come on Sammy,” Kay says. It would be easy for her to sneak out, to escape to the car with her family. But that is not who Kay is. Kay is conscientious and intentional. Kay keeps her word. Always.

I bend to lift Eva from the spot where she is scooting across the cement with a bottle of water, and I follow Kay and the boys.

Read the rest on TheNextFamily.com here.

Why We Call Her Scooter

2011-09-26T08:18:00.004-05:00

It's probably safe to say that the 9-12-month sized girl pants in our household will end up in the trash rather than becoming hand-me-downs. Our floors are a little cleaner than they might be otherwise, but Eva's mode of transportation is a little hard on fabric with a thread count higher than 150. I think this video says it all.

And make no mistake.. she's fast! Eva on her butt moves faster than Sammy ever did crawling. God help me.

Coyote Poop

2011-09-24T12:52:00.001-05:00

A beautiful fall day for hiking in the wildlife refuge. Sammy had a list for his "badger hunt" which is how he remembers the phrase "scavenger hunt." We found flowers and seeds and geese and ducks and rocks and some some early fall colors. It was so nice to have Tara along to push the stroller so Sammy and Mommy could run and jump and look at seed pods and coyote poop. Sammy was a trooper as he walked almost all of the two and a half hour hike. And how nice to actually have some pictures of the three of us together. Thanks Tara for an awesome morning!

Transformation

2011-09-22T12:46:00.009-05:00

Why this was necessary

When I entered Jamie's Play Palace to pick Sam up an hour early, he was already putting his shoes on and preparing to leave with just Mommy. Jamie hadn't told him where we were going, so as we walked to the car I told him he was going to get a big boy haircut.

"Can we get ice cream?" he asked.

I told him that after his haircut we would go to Culver's for thick vanilla shakes. I told him that the haircut would be fun. He'd get to climb up into a big chair that the lady would move up and down with her foot. I told him she'd put a fancy superman cape on him to catch all the hair so he wouldn't get all itchy like he does when Mommy cuts his hair. I told him he'd get to sit in front of the mirror and watch everything.

"Cool," he said as he climbed into his big boy booster seat. "And then we can get ice cream."

When we walked in he looked around but stood quietly by my side. The place was empty except for an older gentleman in one chair and two women sweeping hair off the floor. One of them eventually took down our name and address information, and I told her this was his first real haircut. "Cute," she said and she led Sam to a seat with a big booster.

He climbed up in to the chair all by himself and he watched in the mirror while she tied the cape around his neck. He sat very still as she sprayed his head with water and begin combing his hair. Aside from the half-dozen times I've cut his hair, it was maybe the tenth time he's ever had his hair combed, and he didn't even flinch. He stared at the mirror while she trimmed the back and then up across the top. He tried hard not to sneeze and we all laughed and said "There you go" when he finally let himself.

I kept trying to get him to talk as I snapped photos, and the woman just kept saying how good he was, how he was the best client she'd ever had, how she'd never had a kid sit so still before. Two other men came in and got cuts in the chairs behind Sam, and I realized that Great Clips is where the boys go. Sam's legs did start to move and he got a little antsy when the woman spent an inordinate amount of time buzzing around his right ear to get it just perfect (if only she knew the client she was dealing with here), but when it was all done he exhaled and smiled. And when he found out he got to pick out a sucker from the big bowl near the cash register he thought getting his haircut was the funnest thing he'd done all day.

On the way out he told me that this place was the barbershop. He knew this because "boys get their hair cut at barbershops."

"Where do girls go, Mommy? Where does Ayanna get her haircut?"

"Probably a salon," I said.

"But big boys go to the barber," he said again before telling me he loved it when it was just Mommy and Sammy and then reminding me that we had to go get ice cream before picking up Eva.

(We won't talk about the major 3-year-old meltdown he had in the car when the Culver's milkshake came with just a straw and not the usual combination spoon/straw.)

The Funnest 5 Miles I Ever Ran

2011-09-21T20:51:00.021-05:00

Pre-Race Al's Run, Saturday Morning

The three of us committed to this back in early summer. Despite our individual insane schedules and lack of free time, Kelly, Missy and I all committed to training for a 5 mile run in Milwaukee that raises money for the Children's Hospital. TT said she would support my efforts by not only sharing Marriott points for a free hotel stay but, God help her, watching both children while I ran.

And from the second we pulled into the valet parking of the downtown Marriot Courtyard on Friday evening it seemed like the planets had aligned for it to be a great weekend. Sam was so excited to see TT that he could barely sit still when he saw her standing there to greet us. And he was thrilled to wander around the big lobby with her, running to check out fountains and plants and big TVs and a swimming pool that she promised he could swim in. After we hauled all our stuff up to the 4th floor, TT was fabulous at settling him down to snuggle and watch TV as I unpacked and organized, and both children went to sleep easily and deeply for the night.

Saturday morning I left Grandma alone with the two kids and a small cooler full of yogurt and deli meat and avocados and tomatoes and fruit. I hiked up the long incline of Wisconsin Avenue in the wind, and the entire area was abuzz with families pulling kids in wagons and elite performace runners running up and down the streets. As I approached our promised meeting place on the steps of a church near 12th street, I passed a band playing inspirational music and I spotted Kelly standing near the church doors. I was so excited to see her, and we were both pumped up with the energy of the day. Sun was pushing off the clouds as Missy arrived, and the three of us laughed and giggled and talked about whether or not we were ready. After a few trips to the port-a-potty we lined up near the walkers and headed out across the start line just a few minutes after 10:30am.

It WAS the funnest run I've ever done. Missy had warned me of the long up hill on Prospect, but we started with a long downhill and we all passed a lot of walkers before settling in to our individual paces on the uphills. Normally when I run I focus on my breathing, but I don't remember ever even thinking about it while running Al's Run. There were so many encouraging spectators, and every few blocks a local band played blues or rock or pop that made it fun to run. There were arm tunnels to run through and strangers holding up their hands to give runners high fives. And after the turn down Lafayette Hill, the run was mostly downhill or flat, and I couldn't believe I wasn't struggling. I raced the last half mile with Missy's friend Craig and sprinted to the end to beat my 52-minute goal by over two minutes.

It was a beautiful day and I was surrounded by my dearest and oldest friends. I was so grateful to be able to do this and to know that my family was being safely taken care of by Grandma (who had already taken Sam to see the pool and eat sausage at the hotel bistro and ride an escalator in the Grand Avenue Mall). But I also missed them and wanted to get back to the hotel to hug my boy.

After showers and some protein we spent the afternoon with Missy, exploring her neighborhood which held all kinds of new wonders for Sam. Her view from the 10th floor allowed Sammy to see the city in a whole new way, and Eva couldn't get enough of her BFF Missy. I got to enjoy a bottle of wine and soak up the sun while Eva scooted and Sam mopped up cottage cheese with Pepperidge Farm goldfish before we ventured down to the beach for more sunshine.

We ended the evening with delivery pizza and a trip to the hotel pool with TT, and for the second night in a row, my children let me sleep.

Thank you TT for another rejuvinating weekend in which I got some mommy-free time and my children got to explore more of the world.

Bedtime

2011-09-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

"Sammy, you need to go to sleep."

"I'm trying, Mommy, but my body is making me not."

[I laugh and smile.]

"My body is frustrated," he says.

And then he does the family sigh and smiles a giant smile. He knows how to move my heart.

Becoming a Firefly TNF

2011-09-08T21:50:00.004-05:00

Another version of Sammy's first day at school on the web site I write for...

http://thenextfamily.com/2011/09/becoming-a-firefly/

Sam Becomes a Firefly

2011-08-31T19:14:00.005-05:00

I wish I had the time (and energy) to do this milestone justice, but the piles of dirty laundry have reached maximum chaos and the dishwasher needs emptying so I can immediately reload and run it again, and I have breast pump components to wash and boil before I start getting clothes and gym bags and car seats ready for our before-the-sunrise start tomorrow. I wish I had the time to write in detail about Sammy's excitement and the way he cautiously checked out the toys and the fishtank and the cubby with his name on it and the pile of fireflies that needed to be colored and sprinkled with glitter. I wish I had the energy to talk about my own anxiety about making sure everyone in the entire city knew that Sam has a peanut allergy and cannot have peanuts and here is his epi-pen and please, please, please don't ever let him get hurt by anything ever. Ever. :)

But most of all I wish I could share with you all the magical moment when Jamie (Sam's daycare provider) surprised us in the hallway and squatted by him and gave him a big hug and a big smile and made the entire universe seem to come perfectly in to balance for both Sam and me. I say it all the time, that this family would not be possible without this amazing woman who takes care of my children with patience and love every day... and some nights. But words cannot possibly explain how grateful I am for the way she takes care of all of us without even knowing she's doing it.

After I had left Sam alone in the room filled with toddlers and pre-schoolers and Miss Mary (who isn't the teacher we had met the day before) and without any of his friends (who would arrive later), after I had spied the three boxes of cereal and milk and various treats sitting on a table in the middle of all of them and wondered how they actually controlled who ate what, after I had kissed and hugged Sam and watched him walk off to look at the puzzles all by himself, after I slowly walked down the stairs and out to the parking lot, after all of that, I got tears in my eyes. Letting my baby go. [sigh]

Door County Memories # 5 and #6 - Monster Juice and Sammy the Seagull

2011-08-30T08:38:00.019-05:00

Door County Memory #5 - A Woman Who Knows How to Make Monster Juice

“Where is SHE?” Sam would ask, and we all made a game of asking him her name. Grandma’s friend Mandy made it up for the last few days of the week, and her arrival was just in time. Grandma and Mommy had run out of ways to try to exhaust a 3-year-old, and Mandy came with tricks and games and toys. Sammy’s new BFF Mandy even helped him make special monster spray to keep the monsters away at night. And when we got back home Saturday night he sprayed his room before bed. “Just four sprays, Mommy. If you spray more than that it doesn’t work.”

Door County Memory #6 - Stories with TT

“Tell me a story about Sammy Seagull, Mommy,” he said as we laid next to each other in bed. It was well after 10pm and the baby was finally quiet in the other room. Whether it was because she had fallen asleep or Grandma had picked her up that night, I don’t remember. But Sam and I had fallen into bed exhausted, and he wanted a story. He and TT had been telling stories earlier that day, stories about the adventures of Sammy the Seagull, and the sad lake that didn’t have any waves until Sam the Boy came and laughed and made waves.

As exhausted as we made her, Grandma was amazing with both Sam and Eva, and I loved watching them all together. Grandma and Sam told stories and read books and explored the beach. Grandma and Eva cuddled and talked and ate mangoes and peaches and zucchini and entertained each other at 3am when everyone else wanted to sleep. The three of them wrestled in the shade of the big pine tree and Grandma read books about “Hide and Squeak” and “Tooley, Tooley!” They ventured to the farmers market and The Farm and the beach. When TT told me she’d gotten a text message from Zachary saying that it would be great if she lived to be a hundred, we all agreed.

Thank you TT for another wonderful Door County vacation! I thought I was living my life to the fullest before these children came along, but really I never knew how full life could be.

Door County 2011 Memory #4 - The Farm

Door County 2011 Memory #3 - The Fish

Door County 2011 Memory #2 - The Forest

Door County 2011 Memory #1 - The Beach

Photos from previous Door County Weeks (2004-2010)

Door County Memory #4 - The Farm

2011-08-26T10:45:00.012-05:00

“How do they get that open?” Sam asked.

We were in the honeybee hut at The Farm. Sam the Engineer was over and over again more interested in how things worked than he was in the animals. He wanted to know how they cut the big hole in the honey tree so they could get all the bees out, and he wanted to know what a drone bee did.

At the woodcutting shed he told me “The Queen Bee is in there. She’s making baby bees.”

At the Sugar Shack he wanted to know how hot the fire had to be and how long you had to cook the maple sap before it became syrup.

In the Machine Shed he was interested in how a horse pulled a sled and why there were some tractors that didn’t have treads.

He was mildly interested in the bunnies and the doves and the baby pigs and the little chicken pecking it’s way out from a dark brown egg, but he was mostly interested in running and running and running. When we snuck through a fence for a short nature hike he told me we were looking for a honey bee tree, and when we found a bright red tomato buried inside one of the plants he gobbled it up before I even had a chance to stand up.

Thanks TT for pushing Eva in the stroller why Sammy and Mommy explored the mechanics of farming!

Door County 2011 Memory #3 - The Fish

Door County 2011 Memory #2 - The Forest

Door County 2011 Memory #1 - The Beach

Photos from previous Door County Weeks (2004-2010)

Being a Jungle Gym

2011-08-25T15:16:00.002-05:00

I stood in the front entry under the carved wood sign that said Jamie’s Play Palace. Four children patiently waited at the dining room table across the room and another one wandered around the princess castle on the front porch. Eva looked up at us from the nearly-too-small car seat bucket, and Sam stood behind me, his hands pulling down on my back pockets and his face occasionally diving into the small of my back.

“I’m going to be shy of Jamie,” he had told me in the car. He didn’t want to return to daycare after nine Mommy days in a row, nine days filled with playing in the Lake Michigan surf, searching for and finding rocks that were “very perfect” and “really prettyful,” building and counting sand castle turrets before smashing them in fits of laughter, hiking in the woods and picking wild raspberries and overripe thimbleberries, nine days of nearly constant contact with Mommy, nine days of running and jumping and climbing and hanging on Mommy.

Read the rest here.

Door County Memory #3 - The Fish

2011-08-24T20:11:00.011-05:00

Sam's first fish... a nice bass

“It’s just around this corner,” TT said. “We’re almost there.”

We weren’t sure we believed her since she’d been saying that for miles, but we were all in a good mood. Earlier in the day TT and Sam had rigged up all the fishing equipment (including Sam's very own brand new bright yellow fishing pole), and I had given my lecture about how we all needed to be patient with each other because fishing might be frustrating (and Eva hadn’t let Mommy or Grandma sleep the night before). When we eventually did pull around the real corner where Kangaroo Lake laid on both sides of a long straight stretch of the road, we were all ready to be out of the car. We parked in the shade and loaded up the stroller and Grandma and Sam fished from a sunny spot on big flat rocks near the side of the road while I walked the stroller. After a while we moved to the other side of the road and I helped Sammy cast into a clear open area near the edge of some reeds while Grandma walked Eva up and down the road in the sunshine. Second cast, and Sammy reeled in his first fish. We weren’t prepared for it, so Grandma walked back to the car for the net, and we snapped a few photos before setting the big guy free. Thank you, TT, for all the work you did to create that magical day!

And THANK YOU, TT, for ALL you do to make it possible for our little family to explore the world. We love you!

Door County 2011 Memory #2 - The Forest

Door County 2011 Memory #1 - The Beach

Photos from previous Door County Weeks (2004-2010)

Door County Memory #2 - The Forest

2011-08-23T20:15:00.014-05:00

“That’s not uuuuuuusssssss,” he said dragging out the last word as he pushed his big wheel into motion and moved down the road towards the next sign. It was part of the game we had spontaneously invented during our first morning road walk. We would stop at the green and white firemarker signs and read the numbers, looking for our own place. “Two, Eight, Four, Zero,” Sam would say. “That’s not uuuuuussssss.” And off he’d go. At every driveway along the 2-mile out-and-back walk. Every morning after breakfast we would head out with Eva in the stroller, and Sam and I would race to the next mailbox or slow to pick the wild thimbleberries. We looked at butterflies and mushrooms growing from trees. We counted the number of trunks on the river birch trees. We explored rotting, fallen trees for evidence of woodpeckers and squirmy bugs. We pulled at the long vines of ivies growing along the gravel. We tickled each other with the fuzzy seed pods from wild grasses. We squatted to look at wild orchids and purple spiderwort and dandelion fuzz that just wouldn’t shake itself loose. And all the while distant woodpeckers tapped for ants and the surf of Lake Michigan pounded just over the trees. These walks were perhaps my favorite part of every day, and I’m so glad Sammy shares my love of nature big and small.

"I love this forest, Mommy!"

Picking wild thimbleberries

Checking the colors on a dead butterfly

What boy doesn't love sticks?

Tiny orange orchid-shaped wildflowers

And oh yah, Eva was there too

Coming soon: Door County Memory #3 - The Fish

Door County 2011 Memory #1 - The Beach

Photos from previous Door County Weeks (2004-2010)

Door County Memory #1 - The Beach

2011-08-23T10:24:00.018-05:00

“Mommy, this rock is very super perfect.” He held up a large sparkling piece of the red granite that is Wisconsin’s state rock. We were walking the beach together (as we did several times a day) looking for pieces of sea glass and skipping stones and tiny clams still stuck together.

We spent much of the week going on beach adventures… playing follow-the-leader into and out of the surf, collecting rocks to share with TT, telling seagull stories, investigating dead fish, chasing butterflies, building (and destroying) sand castles, and covering our bodies with water and sand. It is, apparently, not possible to have too much time on the beach when you’re three.

See photos from previous Door County visits (2003-2010) here.

Stackaroos and Moonlight

2011-08-17T02:34:00.003-05:00

Door County August 2011

Last night after TT had shuffled off to her corner bedroom on the back of the cottage and Eva had been lowered into her playpen in the middle bedroom, Sam and I sat at the dining room table together. It was past his bedtime, but I had allowed him to stay up and watch me check my email if he could be quiet. I had pulled up my messages and he was playing with his Stackaroos on the table. The surf outside beat a calming rhythm and a light rain had just started to click on the open awning window in the kitchen. As I tapped on the keyboard responding to messages from customers and a few questions from my boss, Sam quietly showed me his creations. “Look what I made, Mommy. Look at this.” I would look and ask him what it was. A corn harvester. A super fast fishing boat. A monster shooer. I asked a few engaging questions about each one and then went back to my email while he built the next.

“Mommy, where’s the moon tonight? There’s no moon on the lake.”

I explained that the clouds blocked the moon. The night before we had crept outside in the dark after everyone else was asleep. We had wanted to take a picture to send to Uncle Ron. Full moon reflections on the water always remind me of him. Last night there was no moon. Just the soft surf sounds and a slight breeze through the windows.

Sam went back to building another creation and I watched him a few extra seconds. He was playing so quietly by himself, happy to have his Mommy next to him, content just to be by me. In that moment I felt such an astonishing and deep love for him. Something I don’t think I could ever describe.

Why don’t people ever write about this? These moments of such immense love, these moments when you look at your child and you cannot even believe you are this blessed, this lucky? Maybe I’ve read about moments close to this on Christina’s blog, but for the most part I don’t read much about it. Maybe it’s because it IS so indescribable… this love, this joy, this everything.

Don't We All Hate Being Called Cute?

2011-08-11T14:44:00.019-05:00

Hanging out in the shade on the back deck

I probably should have made this two posts so those of you that just scroll through the photos would have a better chance of catching my essay on The Next Family website... which I've added to the end of this post. But I'm lazy. So here are two posts in one...

Making mud pies in the backyard

Being muddy is fun!

I've been a bad blogger lately. Too much going on. I have a ton of pictures on the camera but little time to upload and share. The kids are growing too fast. Eva is scooting across the living room floor to get her hands all over the elabroate Lego Duplo creations that Sam has carefully created. Sam is finally going to sleep in his own bed after I blackmailed him with a Leapster Explorer that TT bought months ago. He wakes up wanting to know where his game is, and he now spends much of his time in the car sounding out letters and learning to draw numbers from Woody and Buzz Lightyear. Both children are loving the fresh zucchini and peppers and carrots from our garden, and Sam is already good at doing the family sigh when he discovers that once again the animal that is raiding our garden has eaten all the ripe tomatoes. I have too many stories too tell, and I'm afraid they're all slowly getting away from me as my short term memory is completely non-functional. But I'm carving out little snippets of time for myself to do some reading and writing and training for a 10K. Life is a very crazy good.

More fun with the bug lockers - a giant spider

Mommy, Catch!!!

Eva's favorite toy, the big drum filled with musical toys

Popsicle sharing

And speaking of writing, here is another essay of mine that went to The Next Family blog sight:

Cute Survival Mode

Over ten years ago when I lived the single life, my college roommate Kelly and her husband and their two boys came to visit me. When they arrived they unloaded Rubbermaid totes filled with toys and sleeping bags and kid videos and I opened the first bottle of wine. The next day when we decided to make a quick trip to the grocery store, Kelly’s husband and I both stayed in our chairs in the living room and didn’t rush to get up.

“You know she’s going to have to make a list first, don’t you?” I said.

“That’s what she does,” he said.

Read the rest here.

Last Weekend in July

2011-08-01T08:17:00.014-05:00

It's been too hot to run the dryer and we're running out of clean baby clothes,
so Eva celebrates the end of the NFL lockout with a hand-me-down Packer onesie.

Cooling off with an outdoor bath

Sam helps with the shampoo

The Bug Lockers
Some of the best money TT ever spent...
In order to make room for the moth in the laundry room, Sam has
to decide whether to liberate the crane fly, the may fly, a baby
grasshopper or the two unfortunate dissimilar beetles that share a locker.

One of Eva's favorite snacks... veggie Baby Mum-mums

After seeing Nolan playing baseball with his daddy,
Sam takes a sudden interest in T-ball.

The definition of COOL

The outdoor fort

Eva just wants to play music

Lining up his next shot at the flag that marks the sewer vent

Distraction

2011-07-28T14:02:00.001-05:00

My cell shows that the Saturday night call lasted twenty-nine seconds. Twenty-nine seconds in which I said nothing but “Hello” and then Mom told me that she had driven herself to the ER and that she “almost called an ambulance and it was probably a mistake to drive myself but I was in so much intense pain and I threw up and I just wanted to get here and I’m calling to tell you to keep your phone on in case something happens.” She was panting as if she had just finished sprinting. And then she hung up. I didn’t get to say anything else. Just hello.

Read the rest here.

Flying Ponies

2011-07-26T14:41:00.002-05:00

On our way in to town this morning, Sammy and I were talking about the clouds. We were winding along highway 35 between the Nathan Wolfe Memorial Wildlife area where Sam recently told me “things that suck your blood live” and the Trempealeau Wildlife Refuge where Sam says “that funny duck with the big head swims.” A half dozen white egrets stretched their necks to fish near the wild celery, and a few others sat in the crooks of a dead tree that reflected on the water. As our Subaru slowed to let a train clear the tracks in front of us and the bright sunlight behind us created dramatic whites and grays on the clouds hanging over the bluffs, Sam told me you can’t move clouds with your mouth like you can the fuzzy tips of dandelions.

See the rest here.

My amazing friend Katherine who is taking some time off to welcome her new son and prepare for her book to be released in October, asked me to write a guest post for her, and I was honored.

Bouncing Genetics

2011-07-22T09:33:00.005-05:00

When I was a child, my mother used to leave me in my room to nap and I'd bounce against the side of the crib, little-by-little moving the crib across the room. As I got older I would sit on the living room couch watching TV and throw myself against the cushions on the back. Our family termed this strange rocking behavior that caused strangers to ask if I might be autistic "bouncing." And despite my mother's best efforts to break me of this habit that would tangle my hair and destroy the legs of her furniture, I still did it even in college, occasionally bouncing my way across the state as I drove home for a weekend visit.

If the video I posted of Sam at this age didn't convince you that this is genetic, then check out his little sister:

Mommy, I Love Fireworks!

2011-07-18T09:07:00.017-05:00

Yay, fireworks!

The show lasted 20 minutes, but the memories will last a lifetime. This was the first year Sam has actually been awake for the fireworks our neighbors shoot off in the backyard during their annual family party, but he'd been excited about it all day. He talked about it while we were in the pool and while we were eating burgers and while he and Ham were running around the yard shooting each other with water blasters. He shivered with excitement when I told him that he had to get out of the pool and dry off before the show started. He told me "this is a good spot" as he pulled his little blue adirondack up next to me on the porch when the first warning shot of the evening went off. And from the very first light explosion, Sammy was riveted. Wow! Whoa! Wow! That was a big one! That was a loud one! That one went really super high! Eva slept through the entire show, and I even went to make sure she was still breathing because I didn't think anyone could sleep through the mortar rounds just 50 yards from our house. But she'd had a long day in the heat, and she, like her big brother during previous years, was nearly comatose throughout the entire evening. When I attempted to put Sam to bed at 11pm (with friends still sitting in lawn chairs surrounding citronella candles and whipping glow sticks into circles), he laid down next to me and said "Mommy, I love fireworks!" He wanted to know if we could have them at his birthday party and why he had to go to bed when everyone else was staying up. So up he got, and I let him snack on cheese and chips and popsicles and show off his dinosaur toys and his Paper Jam guitar to the big boys in the kitchen until the last guests left around midnight. An evening I'll never forget.

Waiting for our friends to arrive

Cooling off in the pool

Eva rests in the shade

Stella's turn

Ham grabs dinner before the show

Ready for fireworks

One last dip in the pool before the show

Sam shares glow sticks after the show

Sarah and James enjoying their night out

Here are some brief snapshots of Sammy watching his first fireworks show up close.

Simply Impossible

2011-07-14T14:58:00.016-05:00

Sarah, Sam, Ann and Zack at the La Crosse Loggers game

It's simply impossible to describe how much fun we had with TT and Ann and "the cousins" last weekend (and I'm too exhausted to try). In our four days together we hiked Brady's Bluff, rode carnival rides and threw darts and "fished" and ate cheese curds at Catfish Days, heated up at a Loggers game, cooled down at the beach, made and decorated and ate a birthday cake for TT's special day, and managed to find time for playing in the pool, harvesting the garden, battling with water pistols and soaping up the slip n' slide. And Grandma babysat while the two mommies ran in the Catfish Days 5K/10K. I'm still not sure how we did so much. It was a perfect weekend, and I present a few photos with a link to many more.

Catfish Days Snowcone

TT and Sam relax after dinner

Sam LOVES the beach

Sam loves doing whatever Zack is doing

Auntie Annie shows us how it's done

Eva and TT hang out while the kids play in the pool

Eva gets her turn in the pool

Auntie Annie and Sam look for blackberries on the way down Brady's Bluff trail

Cousins on top of Brady's Bluff

Eva and her favorite aunt

TT's PERFECT birthday cake decorated by her grandchildren

MORE Photos Here.

More Evidence

2011-07-07T20:30:00.002-05:00

More evidence that two is worth it...

Sam and Eva dance to Brothers & Sisters from Free to Be You and Me...

Why There Are Two

2011-07-03T17:04:00.008-05:00

For those who warned me that I was crazy to have a second child, I present evidence that it's worth all the chaos...

The Story of My Coat Pockets

2011-06-30T13:40:00.010-05:00

The rocketship Sam built that will carry them "really, super high into space!"

Here’s a little exercise for all you writers out there: Make a list. Any list. And you will find a story. Here is my story, told through a list of items currently in my coat pockets:

A clear plastic Nuk with an orange handle, thrown into my pocket months ago in the hopes that some day my daughter would keep it in her mouth rather than spitting it out at me. Last night at ten minutes to midnight I tried to convince her to take a similar one so that I could sleep without contorting my body and twisting my spine while she nursed. Not sure why I still carry this one in my pocket. Hope. I guess.

A folded up paper bookmark with a little man looking through a gigantic telescope at the words “One World, Many Stories” and a paper coupon from the library’s summer reading program for a free ice cream cone at McDonald’s. “It’s okay,” Sammy said to me when I picked him up from daycare and he handed it to me. “McDonald’s doesn’t have peanuts in the ice cream. We can go there, Mommy. We can. Really. We can go there.”

A little plastic pig that Sam picked up from the floor of the Subaru as we were heading in to the daycare last week. It is about the size of a quarter, and it has amazing detail, including perfectly formed hooves, a kinked tail and eight little teats that hang down from its underside.

You can read the rest here.

And here are some completely unrelated photos from the last few weeks...

Eva and her friend Stella

Sam and his friend Hamilton

Eva loves Sammy's legos

Sam does some art at Bea's 1st birthday party

Eva's beautiful friend Tara

The pool on the deck

Bye-Bye Big Wheel

2011-06-29T08:54:00.010-05:00

Bike Maintenance "To be safe, Mommy."

Two weeks ago when TT visited, Sammy strapped on his Sesame Street bike helmet and tested the hand-me-down Bulldog bike from Auntie Annie, and he's wanted to ride it every single night since then. "Just around the block, Mommy. The BIG block." Last night we drove around the big block to see how far it actually is, how far we've been walking every night racing from one mailbox to the next. 1.5 miles. That IS a big block. But Sammy is now a BIG boy.

Checking for a snack after a long ride

And here he is in action:

We Should Get Another One

2011-06-27T14:30:00.006-05:00

Grandpa Jim with Baby Sarah, Christmas 2003

This morning in the car:

"Mommy, why don't we have a grandpa?"

"You do. But Grandpa Jim is dead. Remember? He's up in heaven."

"Then we should get another one."

"Good idea. Where should we get one?"

"Maybe out there in that field. That farmer might know one."

I think my son is psychic. So often he brings up subjects that are on my mind without any leading from me. And since Dad went in to the hospital on June 14th and left the world as we knew it on July 4th, I think of him a lot during late June every year. I wish he could see these beautiful children that remind me so much of him.

How To Feel Grateful for Your Life

2011-06-16T20:52:00.001-05:00

Follow a road that is a patchwork of holes and tar after a winter of freezing and thawing and freezing and thawing. Wind your way through corn fields dotted with deer and small towns like Redgranite and Wautoma where 4-way stops mark the local Ace hardware or the Stumble Inn or a giant statue of a cow eating ice cream. Arrive way too late to expect either of your children to settle as the three-year-old runs around finding all the usual toys and the baby looks at the living room as if for the first time. Unload the bouncy seat and the potty seat and the suitcase and a box filled with diapers and wipes and bubble mix and a bug-catching net and baby shampoo.

Read the rest here.

Sammy Shares His Favorite Adventure

2011-06-15T18:19:00.014-05:00

It's been a while since we made the long drive to TT's house, but Sam didn't seem to mind sharing his favorite place and his favorite person with his little sister. Eva was even allowed to take her first trip to the place that has always been special for Sammy and TT, the Wildlife Sanctuary.

Company in the Cold

2011-06-13T20:56:00.017-05:00

Three-year-olds do not let a little cold wet weather keep them from enjoying their grandmother's company picnic at Bay Beach, and a 7-month-old is happy as long as she's either A) bundled up sleeping or B) being held. It wasn't the best weather for sitting around socializing over cocktails, but Fay and the crew did a lot of work to create a great meal and a chance for the kids to meet everyone before Sammy ran off to ride every single ride at least once. His favorite rides? The bright blue train he rode with Kelly and Mommy and the helicopter he rode with Mommy that took him "very, very super high." His favorite food? Grandma tried to get him excited about the bratwurst but there's no beating cupcakes swirled with blue and green frosting and topped with plastic Elmo rings, one for each hand.

Dancing Like Uncle Ron

2011-06-07T19:46:00.004-05:00

This one sure looks like Uncle Ron.

The evidence (from Thanksgiving 2010):

And from October 2009:

Crane Flies and Sunglasses and Pink Hats

2011-06-05T19:45:00.015-05:00

Sam studies a crane fly before painting a picture of it

"Why is he so crazy, Mommy?"

"Well I think he’s probably scared."

"But why is he scared?"

"Well he’s teeny tiny and we’re super big. Wouldn’t you be scared if a big giant plucked you out of the sky?"

"Yah," he says and he thinks for a minute.

I go about getting out the water and paints and paintbrushes.

“Mommy, we could shrink TT down to teeny tiny and put her in this box and we could carry her every where and we would never miss her."

It may not be June 21st yet, but summer has definitely arrived... with the bugs and the swimming pool and the garden and the season of homemade popsicles. Eva isn't too keen on the hot sun or the cold pool, but she loves sitting in the shade and laughing at her big brother, and despite one rather scary reaction to some baby food that she's either allergic to or not quite ready for, it was a nice "relaxing" weekend at home. The floors are a mess, the cardboard and planter box pile in the garage is growing, the gardens aren't all in yet, and the back porch is littered with plastic toys, but both kids (and Mommy) are happy (if not exhausted) that we all got a big chunk of time together being a family of three.

Astounded

2011-06-02T13:55:00.007-05:00

There was a moment in the middle of the night when I turned over and felt astounded by my life, Sam’s three-year-old legs digging themselves under one side of me while Eva’s head was tucked under my arm on the other side. I adjusted my spine and peered in the dark towards Eva’s face, hoping she was sound enough asleep that the movement wouldn’t wake her, and I was startled to find her staring up at me, her big eyes glinting from the moonlight through the window.

On the day my sister’s son was born nearly ten years ago, Zack’s unfocused newborn eyes looked up at me, and I felt like he was looking right down to my soul, as if he recognized me from some place. And I knew then that I wanted to have children of my own. This year he turns ten and it’s already been years since his little sister Sarah declared that they are not babies any more, they are kids.

Read the rest here.

Photo by Tammy Hoeger at Capturing Moments.

Missing Him

2011-05-26T09:34:00.004-05:00

Running on the treadmill during a rainy day last week I was watching the highlights from the Chicago-Miami matchup, torn between my love of Dwayne Wade and my ambivalence towards LeBron James, when I started thinking about my father. I do every year at this time. If Dad were here he’d probably feel as I do about last night’s Dallas victory, happy for Nowitski but really never happy to see Mark Cuban’s team advance. My father was like that. He had a love-hate relationship with a lot of figures in sports, and over the seven years since he went in to the hospital for the last time, I’ve speculated about how he would have judged the sports figures of today. Brett Favre. Tiger Woods. Aaron Rodgers.

Dad went in to the hospital for the last time in June 2004, and the night they did the MRI on his brain, he and I celebrated the Pistons victory in the finals. We sat in his hospital room and watched the confetti fall and smiled despite knowing the diagnosis that would be coming the next day. I miss him (and Chauncy Billups) every year during the playoffs. But I also always look back on the time I had with my father and feel grateful. I see the sparkle of his eyes in Eva’s big blue eyes and I see his smile when Sam sings the ABC’s and looks at me waiting for the praise he knows is coming. Every single day I miss my father, but every single day I am so grateful for the time I had with him and the two children I have now that will carry his spirit into the future.

Photo by Tammy Hoeger of Capturing Moments

A Different Kind of Scream

2011-05-19T14:05:00.001-05:00

Light spills from the master bath onto Eva’s face snuggled down near my armpit when I hear the screaming. It takes me a few seconds to realize it’s not the same screaming that occasionally accompanies his midnight half-awake stumbling towards my bedroom. This screaming is different. Not the sound of fear but the sound of pain.

By the time I move Eva to the bouncy seat and make my way to Sam’s bedroom, he is soaking wet, his sweaty hair pasted against his cheeks and his Thomas the Train pajamas pushed up to his knees. He stares straight up at the ceiling and holds both sides of his neck.

“Owie, owie, owie, owie,’ he yells over and over again.

Read the rest here.

Best Mother's Day EVER

2011-05-10T11:20:00.011-05:00

Jezail and her boys

“I’ve told you a billion times not to exaggerate,” my father used to say. But he wouldn’t think I was exaggerating if he were with our family this weekend and I told him that this was the best Mother’s Day ever.

Eva waits in the tent before the ceremony

My morning started with the sun glistening through the trees and into the window of Jezail’s bedroom. Sam was curled up in a ball with his head buried under a pillow next to my right arm, and Eva was sprawled out in pink on my left, her little hands up over her head while air puffed in and out of her sleeping face. They had both slept solidly through the night after a long Saturday, and I could actually hear birds outside the window. Afraid of disturbing the peace and quiet I checked my email on my phone and saw this message had been left on my facebook page the night before:

9 years ago when I was 18 I remember asking you how could I ever get into a college because I knew I had no money. You told me "don’t worry about money Jezail. Just apply wherever you want to go. Money should not be a concern." Now I’m 27 and tomorrow I graduate with a Masters in Education and the person I thank first is Barbara Ann Matousek!!! You gave me what I needed- to believe I could do anything and I love you for that. Happy Mothers Day!!

And so I cried for the first (and certainly not the last) time that day. I cried when I first saw her in her robe, the sunshine reflecting off the big sign on Alumni Hall that said Congratulations Graduates! I cried when I called my own mother from the tent where the ceremony would be held, my young children giving a few appreciated moments of peace. I cried when I saw Jezail walk across the stage and shake the dean’s hand. And I cried when the kids and I stood on the grass and watched all the graduates file past. I cannot even begin to talk about how proud I am of Jezail and all that she’s accomplished. And I cannot even touch on how inspirational she has always been to me. From the moment I met her at the age of 15 she’s been teaching me by example about facing fear and overcoming obstacles and stepping out of your comfort zone and changing for the better and not ever letting YOU be your biggest enemy.

After the ceremony
Jaylin and Sam are very happy they no longer have to be quiet.

After a long day of sunshine and ceremony and parks and running after children, I played checkers with Jaylin while Sam and Branden destroyed the Play-doh. Jezail stood in her kitchen and did what she always loved to do when we lived together and family came to visit. She made a dinner of baked chicken and green beans and rice and corn muffins and salad, and we reminisced about how much my father had loved her cooking… her banana pudding and strawberry cheesecake and cooked greens and especially her fried catfish with hot sauce. I have no doubt that if my father were still alive he would have been there with us at Jezail's graduation ceremony. My father had his faults and he wasn’t perfect all the time, but he was loyal and thoughtful and generous with the people that he cared about. And over the years he came to love her as much as I did. He would not have called it exaggerating if I told him that this was the BEST Mother’s Day EVER.

See more photos from our action-packed family weekend which included graduation as well as a local zoo, a fantastic afternoon with my generous and thoughtful friend Lisa, and several trips to several parks here.

Still Working On It

2011-05-05T15:59:00.003-05:00

"What's that, Mommy?" (Sam learns about moss.)

“Where is Grandpa Jim?”

We are in the car and we have just driven past a cemetery, the same cemetery we drive past twice a day, every single day, on our way back from town. We have never talked about this particular cemetery, and my father is not buried there. But somehow Sam has made the connection.

“In heaven.”

There. I said it. I wasn’t ever going to talk about heaven in such concrete terms. But any parent will tell you that there are lots of things that you swore you would not do before you actually had kids, and I have run out of ways to explain death to my 3-year-old.

Read the rest and offer your suggestions here.

A Giant in the Sky

2011-04-24T13:09:00.001-05:00

“Maybe there is a big giant watching us,” he says as he pops the last of his cupcake into his mouth.

“You think so?” I say, pilling the dishes into the sink and wiping the counter in front of him with a damp rag.

“And he’s moving the wind and the clouds so that sometimes it rains and sometimes it doesn’t.”

“Maybe that’s God,” I say.

“What’s God?”

Since before Sam was born I’ve been prepared for discussions about why our family doesn’t have a daddy. I’ve made books explaining his conception and our story and what a gift he is. But I’ve never even mentioned God to him? God hasn’t ever come up when we snuggle at bedtime and talk about things we’re grateful for or the people we love? Nobody has ever mentioned God to him? How did this happen?

Read the rest here.

Something's Gotta Give

2011-04-20T21:03:00.005-05:00

When I picked up the kids from daycare this afternoon, I saw that Jamie had brought out the exersaucer, the plastic activity center that supports a baby that can't walk yet.

"Does Eva go in that yet?" I asked.

"Yah, she loves it," Jamie said.

"That's so funny because she hates the one at home," I said. "She gets mad at me whenever I put her in it."

"She plays with all the little toys and she spins around," Jamie said as she showed me how it worked.

"She gets mad at me for just about everything I do at home unless I'm holding her," I said. "I think she just needs more time with me."

"So does Sammy."

"So does my boss," I sighed.

Something’s gotta give.

When you’re in survival mode, it’s okay to serve your 3-year-old just buttered noodles and a big glass of milk for dinner.

The Mess Walk

2011-04-20T20:46:00.007-05:00

“We’re going to fix Kelly’s Daddy,” Sam said.

I was bundling him up in his blue jacket and red hat, and my friend Sarah was standing in our kitchen holding Eva. The day before the forecast had been for about 32 degrees with mixed precipitation-- the dreaded “wintry mix” – so we had agreed it would be best if I left Eva behind.

Earlier in the morning I had told Sam that we were going to have another special day, a special day with just Mommy and Sammy. But I had explained that this day was even more special than our usual special days because we’d be walking in the local MS Walk. I told him that we were going on a special walk to raise money to help find a cure for the disease that Kelly’s daddy has, that MS is the reason Kelly's daddy doesn’t walk.

“We’re walking in The Mess Walk to fix Kelly's Daddy's leg,” Sam told Sarah. “Just Sammy and Mommy.”

And so we did. The weather wasn't perfect and we never did find the other Sam's Squad team members who were walking in our area, but we rode on a glass elevator and turned in our donations and ate two donuts apiece and got our pictures taken and walked 3.1 miles and saw a rake in a tree and the flood waters of the Mississippi and the same patch of daffodils we saw when we walked in 2008. We got our orange t-shirts and talked with people as we walked and listened to people tell their stories on the microphone and called Kelly's Daddy to tell him we finished, and we had a very special day. Just Sammy and Mommy.

What Spring Looked Like...

2011-04-15T20:49:00.014-05:00

...before winter returned.

See more photos of Sam's Special Day Hiking here.

See photos of a visit from Brooklynn and a great visit from Eva's soulmate on this page of March photos.

See more photos of outdoors spring activities with friends on this page of April photos.

Tumbling

2011-04-07T19:04:00.005-05:00

Usually we are the second family to arrive. We walk in as a dad in sweats leaves his daughter alone waiting for class to start. We met them the first week, chatted as Sam removed his boots and I tucked Eva’s carseat in the corner. Sam’s first official extracurricular, potential-for-overscheduling experience. Tumbleweeds. This week we arrive to a room full of moms and dads and siblings pressed against the murals painted on the wall, digging cameras out of their bags and watching as children run around the room, jumping on the trampoline, sliding along the balance beam, zipping down the giant yellow slide or tackling each other martial arts style and yelling “hi-ya!” Graduation day. The day we finally get to see the deep dark secrets of toddler tumbling that we were not previously allowed to witness...

Read the rest of the story HERE.

End-of-the-Day Connection

2011-03-24T21:03:00.005-05:00

Earlier tonight I sat in the large rocker in Sam’s bedroom, the room I used to call “the nursery.” It is now Sam’s big boy room complete with glow-in-the-dark stars and a dresser full of dinosaur puzzles and a shelf displaying his Lego creations. An infant tub filled with discarded newborn clothes sat in the corner. The little yellow leg of the Winnie the Pooh onesy that Eva wore when she came home from the hospital dangled from the top of the pile. Eva still sleeps with me at night, and the crib has been moved next door. It’s piled full of clothes that no longer fit her, clothes that only a newborn could wear, clothes that I can’t quite let go of yet. Just in case.

This is part of a piece I recently wrote for thenextfamily.com, and you can read the rest here.

Cracking Open

2011-03-13T08:05:00.019-05:00

The weather around here is the same weather that drives us all crazy every year. Sunshine and melting snow and mild temperatures that make it okay to leave your coat in the car one day. Freezing drizzle and fog and big fat snowflakes mashing into a mess on the streets the next day. Every morning when I walk into work someone comments in the parking lot. "Not going to be too bad today" or "I thought winter was over" or "I see spring coming" or "Is Summer ever going to come?" The ice has started melting on the river, large areas of open water growing bigger every day, the bald eagles perched on the edge fishing. Sammy has started looking for barges as we cross the bridge into Minnesota every morning, and some days he whines that he can't see anything, that it's too "froggy." March in the upper midwest. Manic depression.

I just told someone the other day that I was beginning to feel myself coming out of the newborn, 24/7-breastfeeding-can't-be-put-down baby fog. I could almost physically feel the world and our lives cracking open in the same way the early ice does, pieces moving and sliding against each other, trying to find the position that will relieve the stress and allow it all to settle into place and melt comfortably.

Muscles!

The kids love Brooklynn

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, and we've gone back and forth between constant motion and complete standstills, between days in which Mommy needs to get away and days in which the kids need more of me. Mommy the introvert who has never had much of a social life has been out visiting friends, reconnecting with the world, going to readings and meeting friends for lunch and getting back to the gym. Eva is cooing and babbling and figuring out that those are her hands out in front of her and she can use them to put just about anything into her mouth. Sammy has been enjoying tumbling classes and playdates and evenings with Mommy's friends. And we've all survived the inevitable meltdowns of a 3-year-old who is upset when tumbling class is over or the play-doh has to be put away or Mommy's friend gets in a different car and doesn't come home with us after a lunch date at Culver's.

Sam enjoys wrestling with Tara's fiancee Robb

Every morning before the children wake up, I look out the window and try to prepare for what the weather will bring today. Will Sam need his winter coat and his snowpants? Will Eva need her brown fuzzy snowsuit? Will Sam's boots end up slapped into puddles and soaked or will they slip and slide along the ice patches in the driveway? Last week we turned a corner in town and did a slow 360 in the car ("Mommy, look, it's like hockey!") but by the end of the day Sam's boots and pants were soaked to his knees from playing in puddles. With all the ups and downs and turmoil and transition, I look out the window every morning and try to prepare my children for the day... one day at a time.

See more pictures of Brooklynn's visit here.

Sam helps paint the bathroom

Blowing out the candles on the birthday cupcakes
Sam and TT made while I was in Iowa visiting a friend

Snowed in on the 44th

2011-02-21T12:27:00.011-06:00

"Happy Birthday, Mommy! I made this Packer cookie just for you."

A month ago the thought of any normal two day weekend stretched out in front of us was a little daunting. Just the idea of 60 straight hours of being the sole caretaker of two young children was exhausting enough, and the reality was often as challenging as I had imagined. But a lot has changed around here in the last few weeks, and when the forecast for my 44th birthday was for a major winter storm that would trap us here making a long weekend even longer, I didn’t break out in a sweat or even swallow hard. We made the best of it playing and wrestling and sleeping and eating. It helped that Sam had his first tumbling class at the Y Saturday before the snow hit and I got a little quiet time to myself while Eva slept in the carseat. They kicked the parents out of the room and I found a seat by the windows looking out over the pool and I almost didn’t know what to do with myself for those 45 minutes. But it went fast. As has the last 4 months and the last 3 years and, really, the last 44 years.

My baby, 16 weeks

Yes, she actually sleeps like this.

A frosting chemist

Eva poses with her flower and we all hope for spring.

Sam has discovered HappyMeal.com (Bad mommy!)

Sam loves Free to Be You and Me as much as I did when I was a kid.

Jumping to the Brothers and Sisters song

Florida

2011-02-12T22:10:00.015-06:00

Ann's been living in Florida almost a year and a half now, and for most of that time I've been saying I couldn't afford to travel there. Two full priced airline tickets (including the cost of the bags), parking at the airport, and the cost to get to any airport that might fly there relatively inexpensively would all add up to more than I had to spare. And now that both Sam and Eva are in daycare I really have nothing to spare. But when the daycare was closed for a week and I found myself planning to take a few days off to stay home with the kids, I checked into last minute airfare and spent money I didn't have. And it was worth every penny.

I was more than a little afraid that one or both children would be difficult on the flight, but I was also aware that the flight was only 2 and 1/2 hours and I could endure just about anything for 2 and 1/2 hours. No need to worry though. Although Sam was a typical three-year-old who needed constant attention and entertainment, and getting various toys and snacks and books out of the diaper bag was a little challenging with a 15 pound infant in my arms, the flights were not bad at all. My children travel as well on airplanes as they always have in the car.

We had a wonderful 4 day visit with Ann and her family... a boat ride to see dolphins and beach on an island, a hike on the beach and out to the end of the jetty, hours in the pool, and a superbowl party we'll all remember. Ann is an amazing mother and her home is warm and welcoming and full of love. Sam loved having rooms filled with toys and big kids to follow around and play with. I loved having another adult to hold the baby or entertain the 3-year-old. And we all loved the endless supply of tasty food. I wish we could have stayed longer, and before we were even home I was thinking about how I can come up with money to do it again. Soon.

See more photos here.

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The Big Game and a New Game with Old Friends

2011-01-24T19:16:00.012-06:00

When we got together with some old friends to watch the big game (NFC Championship against the Bears), although Sam kept yelling "Go packers," the kids were much more interested in other games.

TT Visits

2011-01-24T19:15:00.008-06:00