I met Rhonda through a national organizational called Single Mothers By Choice. She and I both joined the email listserv last summer. The first time we met in person I got out of my car in the parking area near the river in downtown
SMC is a national organization made up of women who have decided (or are in the process of deciding) to have a child on their own knowing they will be the sole parent. Typical members are career women in their 30’s and 40’s who have come up against their biological clock and still want to have families. This organization has been a godsend to me as I forge ahead alone doing something that most people do in pairs. My local
Saturday Rhonda and I ventured to our second SMC gathering. And as we turned off the highway I said to her, “Ready? Take a deep breath. We’re going in.” After months of being friends, we understand each other and the way we want our own children but aren’t necessary excited about being around lots of other people’s children. As we pulled up to the house, only a few cars parked out front, I told Rhonda it makes sense that we’re earliest. “People with kids are always late,” I said. “But we’re going to be different.” And so began the start of our list, the things that all people say BEFORE they have children that they will never do. Buy a mini-van. Gain weight. Buy too many toys. Eat Wonder Bread.
I am so grateful for this organization and all the brave women I’ve met who have gone before me. Michelle, the nurse midwife who tried to conceive for 3 years before finally having the most adorable little girl named
Saturday Rhonda and I set up our lawnchairs in the sun next to the pool, and we were quickly joined by Laura who is 22 weeks pregnant with a boy after 5 years of trying, and Rhonda and I felt lucky to be pregnant within a year of starting. Laura told us about her 8 IUIs and the 3 IVFs followed by 2 frozen embryo transfers, and everyone who arrived seemed to know her and celebrate that she had finally made it, that little Landon Thomas was alive and well and kicking inside her. As pair after pair (and some threesomes) of mother and child arrived and introduced themselves, the three of us became known as The Pregnancy Club. Over and over again we recited our due dates and current status. 22 weeks with a boy due October 23rd. 13 weeks with a boy due Christmas day. 7 weeks due February 11th with the heartbeat ultrasound this Monday.
It is so nice to have Rhonda to share this journey with, someone who understands my fears and anxieties, someone to listen without judging when I tell her how afraid I am of becoming huge, someone to understand when I say, “Now that I’ve made it this far I’m starting to think, holy shit, what have a done,” someone to remind me that everything is going to be okay even as I do this alone.
Rhonda seems to have more luck with the man thing than I do, continuing to date and find men who are interested in sticking by her through the morning sickness and growing belly. Four years ago I couldn’t have imagined doing this alone, but now I can’t imagine sharing this with a man I barely know. (The only man I ever imagined doing this with was Jim.) And when I start to worry about who will teach my son to shoot a fade-away jump shot or to slide into third or to pee standing up, I just have to have faith that it will all work out, that it will be okay. Rhonda and I have gotten each other through miscarriage and failed inseminations and indecisive men and heartache and weight gain and hormonal mood swings and lonely Saturdays watching other people walk around in pairs holding hands. Every day I am grateful for Rhonda and the other brave women of SMC who help me to remember that becoming a mother is going to be an amazing journey that will change my life.
