What if This Never Happened?

After reading a recent study about how imagining if something good that happened in your life had never happened can actually help you feel happier, I decided to take that plunge, to spend a few minutes on that exercise and see how it made me feel. How would my life be different if Sam hadn’t been born?

Imagining a life without him definitely makes me grateful for what I do have, but it also challenges me to feel grateful for mundane things like diaper genies and pre-moistened wipes and the bigger things like Family and Growth and Community. And imagining what my life might be had Sam never been born fills me with awe and gratefulness for what an incredible personal journey I’ve entered into since he arrived. This little man has changed me and my life and the relationships in my life, and the enormity of the life transition we’ve been through together is incredible. Here’s just a few of the things I came up with if Sam had never been born…

I wouldn’t get to creep in to his room in the morning and sit on the floor next to his crib and watch him stretch and groan until he opens his eyes and sees me and immediately smiles and tries to do peekaboo around the thick edges of the crib.

I wouldn't get to see Jimmy Joe reincarnated every time Sam shovels blueberries into his mouth.

I wouldn’t get to snuggle and hold him every single night right before he falls asleep.

I wouldn’t have a guaranteed date for every national holiday.

My mom wouldn’t travel to see me as often, and I wouldn’t get to watch her and Sam play and laugh. I wouldn’t get to see her hand him a paper towel and ask him to help her dust. I wouldn’t get to see her teaching him how to pick raspberries or how to load dishes into the dishwasher. I wouldn’t get to watch her do the Tickle Monster and hear his belly laugh while he makes the sign for “more.” I wouldn't get to watch the two of them chew on lemons and raw potatoes. I wouldn't have experienced that window into my own childhood and how my mother must have been with me.

I wouldn’t slow down and see the possibility in a simple stream of water running across a dry pavement and changing the landscape right in front of me.

I wouldn’t have a refrigerator covered with musical magnets of a purple cow and a pink pig and an orange horse.

I wouldn’t be reliving all the old nursery rhymes from Found a Peanut to Hickory Dickory Dock to Polly Wolly Doodle all the day and How Much is that Doggie in the Window.

I wouldn’t be falling into bed every night knowing that somebody is relying on me to take care of him and make him feel secure while at the same time encouraging him to take risks and challenge himself. I wouldn't feel challenged to become the best example that I can be.

I would probably spend my weekends as I always have, in some sort of solitary activity like reading or writing or sitting alone. A friend of mine sent me an email when she heard of Sam’s birth that said only, “Welcome to The Club.” If Sam hadn’t been born I wouldn’t have been so warmly welcomed and supported by so many people I never knew before, people who are parents and know the challenges and know that sometimes all it takes is for someone to just say “Oh yah. We went through that too.”

I wouldn't get to see Sam's face light up as he races across the room when I arrive at his daycare, and I wouldn't know how it feels to have a little man who loves me unconditionally hold on to my legs as if I am the only thing tethering him to the earth.

I wouldn't have learned how incredibly hard and underappreciated my sister's job is and how truly lucky I am to have a younger sister who did all this before me and will always support me as I make my mistakes.

I would not have discovered my love of avocados and fresh mango and organic blueberries from The Berry Patch.

I would not have challenged myself to be a better person, to learn patience and calmness and resilience in a crisis, to look beyond myself and out at the world at large and see how incredibly miniscule my problems are compared to millions of children living in poverty surrounded by disease.

I wouldn't eat a healthy dinner full of vegetables every night.

I would not get to find fun and joy in the process of digging in the mud while pulling the weeds in the garden.

I wouldn't own a bottle of spray n' wash.

I wouldn't have a crab-shaped sandbox in which I can fill little molds and push shovels and rakes and remember imagining entire worlds built of sand when the DeGrave boys were little boys that followed me every where.

I would not get to creep into Sam's bedroom before I lay down at night and see his little frog-covered butt sticking in the air while he sleeps soundly like a child without a care or concern in the world.

I wouldn't realize how simple it is to build a fort with just a sheet and your head or how a wooden spoon and an empty popcorn tin can make the best drum set.

I would not have met some of the people in my life that became parents at the same time I did, friends who have since become supportive of my WHOLE life, not just my life as a parent.

I would not have learned to forgive myself for my imperfections.

I would not have realized how incredibly challenging and exhausting and full and rich the lives of parents all around me are.

If Sam had never been born, my life would not be the amazing life it is!

Take a moment to think about a good thing that has happened in your life. A marriage, a child, a pet, a job, a career. How would your life had been different if it hadn’t happened?