What if This Never Happened?

After reading a recent study about how imagining if something good that happened in your life had never happened can actually help you feel happier, I decided to take that plunge, to spend a few minutes on that exercise and see how it made me feel. How would my life be different if Sam hadn’t been born?

Imagining a life without him definitely makes me grateful for what I do have, but it also challenges me to feel grateful for mundane things like diaper genies and pre-moistened wipes and the bigger things like Family and Growth and Community. And imagining what my life might be had Sam never been born fills me with awe and gratefulness for what an incredible personal journey I’ve entered into since he arrived. This little man has changed me and my life and the relationships in my life, and the enormity of the life transition we’ve been through together is incredible. Here’s just a few of the things I came up with if Sam had never been born…

I wouldn’t get to creep in to his room in the morning and sit on the floor next to his crib and watch him stretch and groan until he opens his eyes and sees me and immediately smiles and tries to do peekaboo around the thick edges of the crib.

I wouldn't get to see Jimmy Joe reincarnated every time Sam shovels blueberries into his mouth.

I wouldn’t get to snuggle and hold him every single night right before he falls asleep.

I wouldn’t have a guaranteed date for every national holiday.

My mom wouldn’t travel to see me as often, and I wouldn’t get to watch her and Sam play and laugh. I wouldn’t get to see her hand him a paper towel and ask him to help her dust. I wouldn’t get to see her teaching him how to pick raspberries or how to load dishes into the dishwasher. I wouldn’t get to watch her do the Tickle Monster and hear his belly laugh while he makes the sign for “more.” I wouldn't get to watch the two of them chew on lemons and raw potatoes. I wouldn't have experienced that window into my own childhood and how my mother must have been with me.

I wouldn’t slow down and see the possibility in a simple stream of water running across a dry pavement and changing the landscape right in front of me.

I wouldn’t have a refrigerator covered with musical magnets of a purple cow and a pink pig and an orange horse.

I wouldn’t be reliving all the old nursery rhymes from Found a Peanut to Hickory Dickory Dock to Polly Wolly Doodle all the day and How Much is that Doggie in the Window.

I wouldn’t be falling into bed every night knowing that somebody is relying on me to take care of him and make him feel secure while at the same time encouraging him to take risks and challenge himself. I wouldn't feel challenged to become the best example that I can be.

I would probably spend my weekends as I always have, in some sort of solitary activity like reading or writing or sitting alone. A friend of mine sent me an email when she heard of Sam’s birth that said only, “Welcome to The Club.” If Sam hadn’t been born I wouldn’t have been so warmly welcomed and supported by so many people I never knew before, people who are parents and know the challenges and know that sometimes all it takes is for someone to just say “Oh yah. We went through that too.”

I wouldn't get to see Sam's face light up as he races across the room when I arrive at his daycare, and I wouldn't know how it feels to have a little man who loves me unconditionally hold on to my legs as if I am the only thing tethering him to the earth.

I wouldn't have learned how incredibly hard and underappreciated my sister's job is and how truly lucky I am to have a younger sister who did all this before me and will always support me as I make my mistakes.

I would not have discovered my love of avocados and fresh mango and organic blueberries from The Berry Patch.

I would not have challenged myself to be a better person, to learn patience and calmness and resilience in a crisis, to look beyond myself and out at the world at large and see how incredibly miniscule my problems are compared to millions of children living in poverty surrounded by disease.

I wouldn't eat a healthy dinner full of vegetables every night.

I would not get to find fun and joy in the process of digging in the mud while pulling the weeds in the garden.

I wouldn't own a bottle of spray n' wash.

I wouldn't have a crab-shaped sandbox in which I can fill little molds and push shovels and rakes and remember imagining entire worlds built of sand when the DeGrave boys were little boys that followed me every where.

I would not get to creep into Sam's bedroom before I lay down at night and see his little frog-covered butt sticking in the air while he sleeps soundly like a child without a care or concern in the world.

I wouldn't realize how simple it is to build a fort with just a sheet and your head or how a wooden spoon and an empty popcorn tin can make the best drum set.

I would not have met some of the people in my life that became parents at the same time I did, friends who have since become supportive of my WHOLE life, not just my life as a parent.

I would not have learned to forgive myself for my imperfections.

I would not have realized how incredibly challenging and exhausting and full and rich the lives of parents all around me are.

If Sam had never been born, my life would not be the amazing life it is!

Take a moment to think about a good thing that has happened in your life. A marriage, a child, a pet, a job, a career. How would your life had been different if it hadn’t happened?

Brooklynn July 2009

Sam loves hanging out with Brooklynn, and I love having her around. We had an action packed weekend with plenty of fun at the company picnic and plenty of time for just Brooklynn and I after Sam collapsed into bed each night. Every time we see Brooklynn, we wish we had more time with her. She is growing up so fast. You can see lots of great pictures of our fun summer weekend here.

Raspberries 2009

TT taught Sam the fine art of raspberry picking this weekend, and all three of us had a blast. Full bellies and purple tongues and lots of laughter.

When Boys Want to Be Like Girls

This is what happens when the girls at daycare all get ponytails and Sam isn't happy about being left out.

Dinner Along the River

Although dinner with two toddlers requires entertainment, flexibility and lots of extra napkins, Sam and Lucy were very well-behaved... as long as they had sugar packets, straws, and lemons to play with and guacamole and quesadillas to eat.

Sam has always loved guacamole.

Lucy plays with the sugar packets.

Lucy shares her sugar packets with Sam.

Lucy tries the Salmon.

Thank You, Uncle Ron!

Sam's first Early Girl

Only something special would make me decide to post a second time in one day, but here it is.... Sammy's first home grown tomato, hand-picked while we were weeding the garden. He loves them as much as his mommy does. Thanks, Uncle Ron.

Laughter

Some short videos of Sam laughing with his mom and his TT:



Sam was laughing so hard that I could hear him all the way in the bedroom and I had to go outside and see what was so funny:



Sam has started signing for "more" all the time... even though he can actually say more. More blueberries. More bread. More tickling:

Family

No matter where they went and what they did, Sam wanted to be just like his cousins. Swimming in the pool, running at the park, dancing in the living room, and racing down the street. Sam laughed and laughed and laughed, and the whole family had a great weekend... despite the heat on Friday and Ann's back going out on Saturday.

Pictures of the backyard pool and a trip to the N.E.W. Zoo here.